Pondering

Its been an ethereal couple of weeks for me here. I was talking to a friend the other day and i realized that I hate my job. I hate it. College was my favorite part of the last 2 years. I drew all day, i challenged myself, i got better. It was that simple. The last year has seen me dredge my feet through the mud of having a full time job that does nothing for me. Of course, i have friends there. They are great people. But to go to work for 8 hours a day and get yelled at, sweat, come close to tears at some points. I have almost cried on that fucking floor. Why do i work there? because I need money. Money to pay for my phone, my buspass, the shitty food I eat there(and only because its half the price of anything at a grocery store) I also work there because its what is expected of me. Society dictates that I have a job.

          This friend said that he didnt know how i did it. He has no energy after his shifts. I realized that I felt the same way. Im not nearly as productive or confident in my work as i use to be. I just keep doing the same thing over and over.

           Im still worrying about the workshop. ive been trying to talk myself into not taking a portfolio. why the fuck would i do that? Does having a portfolio reviewed mean that im hoping to get a job? Maybe. I know my stuff is okay. I understand colour, value, composition, line. Ill constantly work on them all the time, but my portfolio is chaotic. things arent polished( finished to what i want them to be) theres no unity in it. Does that matter? Do people want to see props or turnarounds.(im not talking swords here, im talking like containers and generic background housing) Its just too much.

Blarghh